I keep waiting for the fun.

This post may never see the posted stage-  but purging more of the garbage that has been consuming me is what seems to have helped me today. Wow-  I do apologize for my long absence-  but I have not been able to post beyond entering a title.  I have been far too busy to have the time to figure out what was wrong.  Apparently Blogger doesn't like the IE version on my computer. So- if I want to blog- google chrome it is. I am writing and posting this after a few very difficult weeks.  Things have been spiraling out of control inside of my being- and the outside hasn't been very under control either.

I have had a few trials and stresses, but after having a few panic type attacks the last few days- I have had a conversation with the DR and then we extended that to the in-house patients.  I have a great fear of having a breakdown.  Twenty-five years ago, my aunt who I love dearly had a breakdown brought by many stresses and trials in her life, complicated by post partum depression.  Then, a little over twelve years ago- my sister - came to a crisis point and tried to take her life, also brought on by trials, stresses, and post-partum depression.  I have mentioned several times on this here chart about my own struggles as well as my siblings and other family members struggles with depression and other mental illness issues.

It has been a huge part of life and this weekend I really came to realize that I have been nearing a breaking point myself.  I have known I had issues since I was 16 years old.  At that time, I didn't have a name for it, but I realized that something was not right or normal with me one night after driving up to Sundance in order to drive the car off the road and take my life.  Fortunately, my flawed, depression brain function didn't let me because I thought- seriously- that if I was not successful, then my dad would kill me for wrecking the car.  Not long after that, through what I consider a Tender Mercy, I discovered the name/reason for my feelings and thoughts.

I have only had these particular panic-y episodes a few times, and those times I lost it in a rather public way.  Today was a nightmare even leaving the house.  Going to church was the last thing I wanted to try and navigate, but I needed to teach primary and I love my little 7 and 8 year olds-  freshly baptized and so sweet.  I missed the first hour- after sending Middle and Youngest with neighbors.  I had several instances of having to very conciously focus on breathing and trying to get the giant ball of stress to release pressure just to get out the door.  Do not ask why I did not pray for help.  I have no answer other than I was just trying to gather all my strength to get dressed, look presentable, and walk out the door.  If you don't fight depression, those concepts may make no sense to you.  Anyway.  I made it to teach in time, and class went just fine, but then as we headed to Sharing Time, I just couldn't do it.  The Dr had found me before class and told he was headed home to take some medicine because he wasn't feeling well. I decided to call him- not really sure why other than I wanted to say "HELP".  I felt the pressure in my being building- almost squeezing my heart it was getting so intense.  To my surprise, as we were talking, he came walking out of a classroom right behind where I was standing.  I just started spilling my feelings out- right there in the hall at church.

The past decade or so has made me into someone I don't like, and who it seems no one else does either.  I watch shows where children sing the praises of their mothers and I know that will never be my children.  To them, I am the dictator, psycho woman who rules their lives.  I have been in this battle for other things, and have come out far more scarred than I realized.  I knew that I was damaged, just not to what extent.  I am judged harshly by many who have not walked this path and have no real concept of where I have been and what has gone on in my life.  I have walked it alone (with the sanity checks and prayers of my mother) People have worried about us and our situation, but not really about me. People would ask about the situations, other parties involved. It has been heavy- particularly the last year or two. During the darkest times, people kept saying to me and about me- "she is fine-  she is strong".  I didn't want to hear it then- and I don't want to hear it now.  I am strong- but that is not really a good thing.  As the Dr and I came to discuss today-  my habit is to try and be stronger- and to take on and deal with more pressure when I am already drowning. I begin to try and fight against any and all injustices and to hyper control the outside environment around me.

Some things have happened that have been knocking me for a loop. I have been dealing with rejection.. I have had my eyes smacked open about other relationships in my life. I was released from being a VT- now that was something I desperately needed a year ago when I was trying to work 60-70 hour weeks and still be the hockey/soccer mom as best I could.  To get that note last month was not a plus (yes- they sent me a note- no talking to me in person, long story but that is how this presidency seems to opperate and I might be the only one getting my feelers hurt).  But I am going to accept it as just fine even though it feels like they said- hey- we gave you one person and no companion to try and match schedules with and you still are a loser.  I don't think I have told the Dr about that yet.

This may be coming across as a big pity party- but that is not the intention.  It really is just to purge some blackness and hopefully get past this nasty place I am at.

Back to the prayer thing.  I am not much of a pray-er.  I never really have been.  It bothers the Dr a lot.  I have faith, and I have a testimony, but praying is not something I do much of. I do pray- just not very often formaly.  I have talked to Heavenly Father a lot when I drive during tough times. However, today and the past little bit, someone has been praying for me a lot.  The Dr.  He has been frustrated, upset, scared of what was happening to me, and there were a few of his prayers answered today.  I haven't had a single crushing pressure incident since I purged my pain to him.  We spoke to the in-patients as I mentioned, trying to help them see and understand where I am and how it is going to be a team effort to get me through this.  I haven't slept in weeks without the aid of medication, and that acerbates the situation.

I am sorry to my baby sister for not being there enough for her through her trials lately, but I have nothing to give.  I am empty.  I heard a thought on Ellen of all things, that if you feel loved, then that is the most important thing.  I don't feel loved.  I haven't been very loveable.  I have been trying the best I could to forge ahead and make life happen.  We had a major reconstruction of the Looney Bin a year ago.  It was much needed but the stresses of those changes, added to what was already on the floor- I am somewhat suprised right now that I am indeed still standing.

Have I mentioned my bright spot?  Our precious grandbaby who has a smile to light up the whole world.  She reminds me so much of her daddy and her mommy. After all the trials her mommy and daddy endured to bring her into the world- she is just a delight.  I don't get to see her or hold her very much, and that is hard. She is 5 months old. Five months that have just gone in a flash.  I did anticipate things would be very different from how they have been so far. But her mommy texts me the most adorable pictures of her- and those pictures instantly bring a smile to our faces here at the Looney Bin.

I am not sure if this post will be posted-  or stay up if I do post it.  It sounds whiney and I am not wanting it to.  This is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak of what has been going around in my brain and soul.  It has been forever since I posted anything.

To those in my life who are offended by me-  I am sorry- it has never been my intention to hurt people.  Sometimes I think it is like I am constantly being punished and judged by people who accuse me of being that way myself (I would be a hypocrit if I said I didn't have a huge problem with that, I do)